scaffolding
Just got back from what is now known as a "Clothes Swap" which a wonderful friend of mine organised for girls, mainly from my church.
Even though I arrived pretty chipper, I gradually (as in the usual style of the last two weeks) felt more down as the evening went on, largely due to the fact that my self-esteem seems to have hit an all time low in the last two weeks and I am indeed struggling rather with social gatherings most if not all the time. Its really hard to reach out, and be real with non-viaettes, and not give into the temptation of therefore being kind of fake and superficial, and just talking small talk, bull dust as a friend recently phrased it!
Being real, when frankly you don't know who you really are anymore, is pretty damn hard and most of the time I want there to be this black bubble around me that, tells people that not only am I a "Work in progress" but also that I am quite happy being left, to continue in progress, until I am ready to emerge in maybe 6 months time.
Looking out of the window today, from Tom and Nic's I could see scaffolding supporting the repair/refurb work that is being done on a house down the road and I was reminded of an image a friend recently had also using scaffolding. He, described us as being the wonderful (one day we will be) towers that God is creating, and that we during that early period are very much in need of scaffolding to hold us up, and protect us from the elements and do all the stuff that scaffolding does. And man alive, do I need some of that scaffolding in my life right now. Feel so exposed, striped apart, naked and utterly raw at the moment, and even getting from day to day is not easy. So I am totally thankful that He is like scaffolding in our lives, holding us up where we just don't know. Praying he'll put up some more and soon.
Even though I arrived pretty chipper, I gradually (as in the usual style of the last two weeks) felt more down as the evening went on, largely due to the fact that my self-esteem seems to have hit an all time low in the last two weeks and I am indeed struggling rather with social gatherings most if not all the time. Its really hard to reach out, and be real with non-viaettes, and not give into the temptation of therefore being kind of fake and superficial, and just talking small talk, bull dust as a friend recently phrased it!
Being real, when frankly you don't know who you really are anymore, is pretty damn hard and most of the time I want there to be this black bubble around me that, tells people that not only am I a "Work in progress" but also that I am quite happy being left, to continue in progress, until I am ready to emerge in maybe 6 months time.
Looking out of the window today, from Tom and Nic's I could see scaffolding supporting the repair/refurb work that is being done on a house down the road and I was reminded of an image a friend recently had also using scaffolding. He, described us as being the wonderful (one day we will be) towers that God is creating, and that we during that early period are very much in need of scaffolding to hold us up, and protect us from the elements and do all the stuff that scaffolding does. And man alive, do I need some of that scaffolding in my life right now. Feel so exposed, striped apart, naked and utterly raw at the moment, and even getting from day to day is not easy. So I am totally thankful that He is like scaffolding in our lives, holding us up where we just don't know. Praying he'll put up some more and soon.
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