ange's musings

Mission is revealing to others their fundamental beauty, value and importance in the universe, their capacity to love, to grow and to do beautiful things and to meet God. Mission is transmitting to people a new inner freedom and hope; it is unlocking the doors of their being so that new energies can flow; it is taking away from their shoulders the terrible yoke of fear and guilt. To give life to people is to reveal to them that they are loved just as they are by God, with the mixture of good and evil, light and darkness that is in them: that the stone in front of their tomb in which all the dirt of their lives has been hidden, can be rolled away. They are forgiven; they can live in freedom. Jean Vanier, Founder of L'Arche

Great Saints, Great Sinners Richard Rohr Sin and grace are related. In a certain sense the only way we really understand salvation, grace, and freedom, is by understanding their opposites. That's why the great saints are, invariably, converted sinners. When you finally have to eat and taste your own hard-heartedness, your own emptiness, selfishness and all the rest, then you open up to grace. That is the pattern in all our lives. That's why it was such a grace in my hermitage year when I was able, at last---even as a male and a German---to weep over my sins and to feel tremendous sadness at my own silliness and stupidity. I think all of us have to confront ourselves as poor people in that way. And that's why many of our greatest moments of grace follow upon, sometimes, our greatest sins. We are hard-hearted and closed-minded for years, then comes the moment of vulnerability and mercy. We break down and break through. Source:  Letting Go: A Spirituality of Subtraction

The Lowen Household; 80 Taylors Mistake Road - my bedroom is the top right one A walk along an adjacent street brings these views of Sumner and the bay into sight. Bound by 3 streets, Sumner is a pretty small seaside town (population 3978 in 2006 - seriously small eh?). Very busy at the weekends with the arrival of surfers and relatively quiet in the week.  Interesting local feature of Sumner that I enjoyed yesterday is the Sumner cinema, which was opened in 1938 and has 3 screens, each with more seats (337 in total) than the Orpheus cinema (a small, family run cinema I am fond of in Bristol). Last night I enjoyed the almost private viewing (there were only 2 other people there) of '500 days of Summer' with my friend Jacqui - what a treat! Pretty good if you can seat ten per cent of the population in its local cinema at any one time don't you think! This headland known as 'Godley Head' reaches beyond 'Taylors Mistake Beach' a quieter neighbouring beach and

Worship finds its greatest expression in a life that moves gracefully through struggle.

It is 06:53am and I am almost done with my fifth night shift of seven and feeling good. Its actually been a pleasure doing nights this week (astonishing I know) and in many ways I am kind of wishing it was not so long before my next run - day shifts seem so routine, and its easy to feel like you are on the treadmill of life, doing 9 t0 5 or 8 to 4 as I am. This week I feel like I have noticed God's grace in small and secret ways, been blessed with a peace as I have walked the empty corridors of the hospital from ward to ward and generally enjoyed myself. Of course my plain laziness and general love of bed means sleeping in the day hasn't been a big problem either. Oh and how I was anticipating these 7 nights with a very real lack of delight...what a different experience to a night shift in a UK hospital. Don't worry I will spare the compare and contrast.

S ince flying across the oceans I have been introduced to the musical talent of Brooke Fraser (thanks to my flatmate Mel). She is a kiwi who has made it successfully across the globe. What I love about her stuff is how true she remains to her faith in God. She supported John Meyer on his tour after his fi rst album 'heavier things' but you wouldn't know it because her songs take on a different theme, about a different kind of love than that that Meyer sings of. Here are the lyrics and video of her CS Lewis inspired song. If I find in myself desires nothing in this world can satisfy,  I can only conclude that I was not made for here  If the flesh that I fight is at best only light and momentary,  then of course I'll feel nude when to where I'm destined I'm compared  Speak to me in the light of the dawn  Mercy comes with the morning  I will sigh and with all creation groan  As I wait for hope to come for me  Am I lost or just less found?  On the straight or on the

I've been staring at the sky tonight Marvelling and passing time Wondering what to do with daylight Until I can make you mine You are the one I want, you are the one I want I've been thinking of changing my mind It never stays the same for long But of all the things I know for sure You're the only certain one You are the one I want, you are the one I want I've been counting up all my wrongs One sorry for each star See I'd apologise my way to you  If the heavens stretched that far You are the one I want, you are the one I want I won't find what I am looking for If I only "see" by keeping score 'Cos I know now you are so much more than arithmetic 'Cos if I add, if I subtract If I give it all, try to take some back I've forgotten the freedom that comes from the fact That you are the sum So you are the one I want When the years are showing on my face And my strongest days are gone When my heart and flesh depart this place From a life that sung

So it is the 1st September 2009, day 29 since I arrived in NZ. I have moved into a home with Mel and Bev, daughter and mother, co-landlords and girls that are becoming great friends. They have welcomed me, oozed generosity and just generally been amazing. I was put in touch with them through a girl called Clare, who worked here at the hospital 2 years ago and lived with them. The radical part is (yes, radical is a word I realised today I have started using - Mel uses it in a shortened version 'rad') that Clare and her husband have just moved to KwaZulu Natal, South Africa to work there. When she emailed me and Mel each other's details all the way from SA, Mel was in Thailand with work and I was in Christchurch. The previous week Mel had put an advert in a local cafe for the room. Initially she had specified she was looking for a 'Christian' housemate and then decided to cross it out despite her possible real hopes for a fellow crispy for her and Bev to live with. In

Apparently Taylor a Captain or crew member of a ship travelling from Australia came in a little too North and landed at what is now known as  Taylors Mistake Beach.  He believed it to be Lyttleton harbour which is the main harbour of Christchurch where the first pioneers landed or so goes the story. It seems a rather vague one and no one knows quite whether Taylor was just a member of a crew or a captain but regardless of the extent of the truth of the story the name has stuck. I live about a twenty minute walk from this beach which has breath-taking view all around - took myself down there yesterday for the afternoon with wildly ambitious plans to read and pray but ended up doing some idle lying in the sun. The lack of cloud cover in NZ seems to mean that you really do need your sunglasses - have never quite experienced that feeling of your eyes being overwhelmed by the brightness before yesterday. Although I have no camera I just discovered an application called 'photo booth'

I feel like I should be embarrassed about the fact that I watched 27 dresses  for the third time this evening and enjoyed it more than my first time but I am of course completely not! I particularly like that through the film I encountered a song I actually love by Elton John and Bernie Taupin composed in 1976 - slightly before my time I guess hence the late listen. I think the main reason I like it is because it sets up a great scene between Katherine Heigl and James Marsden. Heigl is an absolutely amazing actress which helps me like this movie than I might otherwise - if you haven't seen her talent rent Grey's Anatomy out. How music can bring people together - gotta'  love a good song.

 Just wanted to say thank you to those of you who have been reading and praying for me, it warms my heart to think of loved ones back home when in such a new land and I wanted to share a few of the dozen or so answered prayers. First of all have moved to a new home with a view that of the ocean which on my first morning brought me to look upon Psalm 65 and the verses below: You answer us with awesome deeds of righteousness, O God our Saviour, the hope of all the ends of the earth and of the farthest seas... When I went to Nepal 4 years ago my housemate for those 2 months left that verse in my room and today I am comforted by its truth again today. Feeling incredibly spoilt and overwhelmed by the fact that not only am I living in this rather unbelievable location but also managed to pick up a car for 800 pounds which actually seems like an amazing car - considering it is 18 years old - talk about the impossible becoming possible. Also starting to meet people in church one of which is go

Am sitting in an internet cafe in Christchurch city centre which is a place I have come to frequent since I landed here just 9 days ago at noon. That was a day filled with excitment, apprehension a bit more adrenaline and clear blue skies - I was thinking today about how filled with energy I was not so very long ago. More recently I have felt like decisions (although totally believing they were right, God-led and just the next part of my journey) made may have been done in a naivety and although prayer-filled I may not have considered the full blown somewhat harsh realities I would face when moving somewhere so new and different. In short this has been a hard week and I am sad that I have had a lot of self-doubt and still do so early on but knowing that I have a bunch of people praying for me and a God who is God of the impossible helps me look ahead with hope and a confidence not from within me. The experience so far has definitely opened my eyes to how easily I have forgotten the for

Just found this amazing website whilst procrastinating all the awful bloomin' packing up of stuff I seem to be doing every bloomin' 12 months for the last 7. It cheered me up no end. Bring on the NZ VW campervan adventure previously only in my dreams but maybe one day it will be made reality. Bring it on! Whoop whoooooop

GOOD BYE... HELLO.......... LAND OF THE MAORI.

Tonight I went to the second night of three nights of a healing conference at my current church in Sheffield. I am cutting to the chase to let whoever reads this know that tonight my previously curved spine (scoliosis) which has not only given me a leg length discrepancy to adapt to (until tonight my left leg has always been longer than my right) but also intermittent lumbar and thoracic back pain since the age of 21 has been healed. I sit here today at my desk with both feet firmly on the ground, equal in length, my pelvis totally head on and perpendicular to my lumbar spine and my entire spine completely straightened by the power of the Holy Spirit. I didn't even plan on asking God to heal this and went to church tonight with no or low expectations. Tonight God chose to heal me because He loves me and to heal me of something I never even really bothered about but accepted as part of my body! How amazing is my father that He chooses to heal even the things we do not see as a burde

So as I am leaving my lovely house share in Sheffield next weekend my housemates are in the process of trying to find my replacement. Although there are currently just 3 of them, it seems agreeing on a housemate of choice is proving rather difficult. For example, tonight was a classic example. Like many nights in recent weeks someone came to meet us all, he'd already looked round on Monday and met housemate A and myself. I loved him. He has a phd and is working at Sheffield Uni, doing some absolutely fascinating research that is related to healthcare which is obviously going to float my boat. Difficult to please housemate A thought he was adorable on Monday and still does today - result! Normally easy to please housemate B on today's impression alone thought he was difficult to have conversation with and didn't offer a lot up of himself to chat about.... or something along those lines. Housemate C is normally indifferent and predictably was tonight. Thankfully housemate A

Feisty - 3 dictionary results –adjective, feist⋅i⋅er, feist⋅i⋅est. 1. full of animation, energy, or courage; spirited; spunky; plucky: The champion is faced with a feisty challenger. 2. ill-tempered; pugnacious. 3. troublesome; difficult: feisty legal problems. Origin: 1895–1900, Americanism; feist + -y 1 Related forms: feist⋅i⋅ly, adverb feist⋅i⋅ness, noun Feisty - 3 thesaurus results Main Entry: feisty Part of Speech: adjective Definition: spirited; touchy Synonyms: active , alive , bubbly , courageous , difficult , enthusiastic , excitable, fiery , frisky , full of pep, game , gritty, gutsy, gutty, high-strung, hot-blooded, lively , mettlesome, ornery , peppy , quarrelsome, scrappy, sensitive , spunky , thin-skinned, tough , truculent , zestful Courtesy of http://www.dictionary.com/ Having spent a little time remindng myself of this adjective's meaning I have thus decided she was paying me a compliment.

...I will be aboard a very large Boeing Quantas non-stop flight direct to Sydney, Australia where I will be meeting my lovely Australian cousin John to head to Canberra, the political capital and home of my dear aunties, uncles and cousins who rather than moving to Blighty chose the ruggedness of Oz. Couldn't quite believe it when I was sharing that realisation with friends at work today but I guess sometimes things come upon us and although we have been anticipating them for so long, we still don't feel ready for them. Life since God stole my heart more than 7 years ago has almost definitely been an adventure. I have had huge highs and massive lows but Jesus has been enough all along. Just knowing I have had and will always have Jesus through everything has made it all worthwhile....which I guess is why I know that whatever awaits me in NZ and OZ doesn't only wait me but will await me and God because I with him together, will tackle this new season in my life. Gpd really

"Art is a lie which makes us see the truth". Pablo Picasso "Is it not strange that sheep's guts should hale souls out of men's bodies?" William Shakespeare speaking of the playing of a stringed musical instrument. "Chords are better than speech". John Rees, The Sky is Blue. "Beauty is truth, truth beauty - that is all ye know on earth, and all ye need to know". John Keats "Now let us do something beautiful for God" Mother Theresa, 1910-1997, Albanian missionary

Last week my passport arrived in the post complete with a work visa to be an RMO (resident medical officer in Cantberbury District, Christchurch hospital, NZ). Its an odd feeling when all the prayers you have uttered and asked others to pray for all the little (somewhat trivial in teh grand scheme of life) things have been answered abundantly and graciously, with plenty of tiem to spare before pending deadlines. Today, I should be at house group but I am exhausted, shattered, so tired I had a long and scary blink on the way home in the car - no idea why I am so tired but think planning for the next few months, the next academic year has resulted in a lack of rest in the present. I have just had a feeling that I need to be constantly seeing friends, saying farewells and making the effort all that bit more. I am already going to be missing 3 weddings (that I know about) during my year working oversease, and a close friend recently got engaged and of course has let me know she has a date

For many years now, every week I receive two emails from the London Institute of Contemporary Christianity (LICC). One arrives on a Monday morning, with insightful ideas on how to live from a Biblical perspective, second email arrives on Friday and usually before noon raising various issues, local or global, always relevant and thought-provoking. Sometimes the issues raised are too complex for my little brain to tinkle over alone so I thought I would share Nigel Hopper's thoughts with you from Friday 19th June. Broadband, Narrow Vision? From the coordination via social networking websites of protests in Iran, to the phasing out of textbooks in favour of online learning resources in California, to your viewing of this article wherever you are in the world, Internet technology has changed the way we live. And, whether you think it for better or worse, it will continue to do so. Indeed, such is the pace of technological advance that the remarkable now quickly becomes commonplace, an

Since before I was born my native land of Srilanka has been in civil war. Today it was announced that Prabhakaran the leader of the Tamil Tigers has been shot dead resulting in much celebration on the streets of Colombo. For me and many others I know that this celebration seems slightly premature, this article entitled; The Tigers are beaten but it isn't over yet has some observations in it that are helpful in understanding exactly why peace in Srilanka seems to me not yet tangible. Tight restrictions on jounalism within Srilanka's war zones means much civilian death remains unreported. The government may claim victory today and believe their military efforts to be rewarded and even justified in the death of this terrorist leader but at what human cost?

After a rather lazy lie in till almost ten o'clock, some yummy Special-K with soya milk (sweeter than regular milk), Rachel's organic lemon and orange yoghurt (very, very rich, my treat at the weekend and healthier than pain au chocolat) followed by some internet shopping (brought some bargainous EMU boots, reduced by thirty quid - will probably have to return them, as they probably won't fit right but still exciting - I know I have an addiction here), I am about to pack for a short stay in London town with my lovely friend Liz. Having both graduated last June we've not managed to see each other all year, despite our great plans of quarterly weekends spent having spa treatments and I am excited about seeing her and hoping we will have a good dose of quality time together, we have so much to catch up on! What I am not looking forward to is time spent on the london underground; pictured above the tube map makes my mind boggle and the gift of travel seems more like a burde

Click on the picture to view the rest of the photos from my trip to New York during easter week this April. Above and below are pictures of the flatiron - possibly my favourite skyscraper. I love how dynamic the picture is below; taken on a Friday lunchtime when Yankees were in full flow, it totally gives you a feel of the city and reminds me of that big apple buzz. Here are a few of my favourite memories: Fabulous views from the top of the Empire State Building Sharing sushi in Queens with Liesl Stumbling across the Jimmy Choo store and dieing to go in Spending hours in MACY's Watching yankees go by in Central Park One very sweet breakfast with Liesl and Jonothan in Sanfords, Queens Seeing Art a the MoMA (Museum of Modern Art) - Yankees love their acronyms A few things I want to tackle next time will be doing New York by night, Greenwich Village, Top of the Rockerfeller and seeing a band or artist I love live in a uber fun venue.

So there I was, rather lazily enjoying my lie in, pushing the limits of morning routine and wondering how late i really could get out of bed. Without my eyes in i see nothing in the mornings something i rather enjoy, so when i heard what sounded like plastic bags crackling on my bed I was rather confused but figured by morning doziness (that's a word today) was deluding me, i was on the line between sleep and consciousness and i thought my ears were playing with me and then i looked up, before i could say something i shouldn't the entire ceiling's plaster from my corner of the room was crashing down upon me. Luckily I had time to react a little and covered my face with my left arm and when the post-crash silence arrived i ran out the room screaming just a little. All I had to show for it was a sore bruise on my left upper arm and back. As you can see from the pictures most of the plasterboard fell onto the side of the bed i was not sleeping on. Unfortunately without the mo

...the fact that it seems very wrong that after getting back from a week away on Sunday night, this is the first opportunity so far I have had to sit down, catch up on email, chill out with some fresh coffee and even unpack my suitcase (filled with thankfully clean laundry, due to a weekend spent at home sick). Hmmmm......seems a sad thing to me that weekly routine can get so filled up that it takes time away (thousands of miles away sometimes) to take stock, think, listen, reflect. I think that is another thing I do appreciate about the gift of travel and time, a forced long coach journey or flight gives me time to think a little, pray quietly and just converse a bit with God knowing that he always listens - trying to get that back into my daily life here again is more of a struggle. But I am trying even if it means using my commute in to listen to some worship songs rather than my usual whilst praying for the day ahead. It's easy to get really good at juggling lots of balls, plan

so have decided to start twittering on twitter, i'll see how that goes and am unfortunately in my last 5 hours on US land, leaving JFK airport in NYC in just 5 hours..... the last week of my holiday is almost over before my next break in july. had a fantastic time - sky scraper, central park, tiffany and jimmy choo filled pictures to follow....

So I arrived in a rather cold New York on Saturday afternoon, rather tired although managed to sleep a lot on the plane and very overwhelmed by height and just the general big-ness of everything around me. So far I been staying with my sister's husband's (my brother-in-law's) little sister, a connection causing much confusion on introductions but in simple terms a family member and her husband Its been really nice to hang out with them and get to know her better and see her world, she has been living here for 7 years. Tomorrow I am off to maryland to visit so really good friends, i can't wait am only hoping i haven't tried to jam-pack it all in as had planned to get the first train back to nyc wed but trying to see if i can change that, if they can have me longer of course. On Sunday I did visit 'the Met' (the Metropolitan Museum) which was nice apart from managing to offend an American lady (fast work I know!), the repeated "I beg your pardon?!, I beg

Places I am enjoying...... ENDCLIFFE PARK. This is a great park near my house, which I have neglected to appreciate these past few months with the cold weather but now I feel like it is my own little 'central park' - it has beauty, lots of people (joggers, cyclists, mums and their prams and the rest), ducks in ponds and even a cafe which bustles with families in the summer. In the snow you feel like you really could be in New York! It also holds good memories of arriving to my current home, as I spent (it felt like) the hottest Saturday afternoon of August getting to know my housemates whilst basking in the sunshine. LADYBOWER RESERVOIR a 20 minute drive from Sheffield was enjoyed by two fellow-new doctors and myself this Sunday. Admittedly we only managed a 2 hour toddle but there are 3 reservoirs and 8-9mile walks can be done around the area - so yes I am trying to make plans to include this walk in my list of things to do this year! Its a favourite site to train for half m

So this week as I struggled to take blood from one of our intravenous drug using patients (although let it be known that he has not used for "2 months now") I was left pondering how Jesus would respond to him, react to him, question his behaviour etc. I know that the holy presence of God, Jesus meeting this patient, we will call Joe (not his real name) would convict him of his sin, open his eyes to the deceitfulness of his heart and lead him to true repentance in the truly remarkable way that only Jesus could but I still want to know how he would speak to him and act around him. The fact is that Joe is no different from many of the people Jesus encountered during his 3 year ministry, its just that Joe has a slightly more sophisticated way of anaesthetising himself to life. However, in recent months and through Joe this week I would not ever consider describing the use of intravenous drugs as sophisticated. I can't quite believe the situation I had to deal with trying to

REINSHAW HOUSE, DERBYSHIRE CHATSWORTH HOUSE, DERBYSHIRE LYME PARK, CHESHIRE Having wept through the latter stages of the 2005 (Keira Knightly/Matthew McFadden) version of Pride and Prejudice I have now made it my aim to visit the various stately homes featured in film versions of Jane Austen's classic novel. Thus far I feel I have done so well, having already visited Chatsworth house once in September and again at Christmas. Chatsworth house is thought to be the original inspiration for Austen's creation of Pemberley - the humble abode of Mr. Darcy and it was also used for exterior scenes for Joe Wright's 2005 Keira Knightly version of Pride and Prejudice. So next on my list is Reinshaw Hall, Derbyshire - the setting for Pemberley in the BBC adaptation of Pride and Prejudice from 1980. This glorious black and white film was enjoyed by my elder sisters and I on many an occasion, Mrs Bennett is portrayed fantastically in this version, and it is through this version that I was

Just opposite my house in Nethergreen on the South side of Sheffield sits a little array of shops which I have gradually become familiar with. Two hairdressers Jam and Marmalade (Finest Hairdressers) sit not too far away from each other, a little further up are a couple of upmarket interior design type shops, the sort I haven't yet found myself a reason/excuse to go into yet. Further up there is a lovely, if a little over-priced delicateseen, that always has a great many croissants/pain au chocolat which i have enjoyed on the odd saturday morning with the paper and other special treats, plus great fresh bread. And a little further down is a very local, Indian takeaway, the clay oven. In my usual attempts to avoid getting takeaway I managed to not give into temptation (having lived above a Miss Millies before I found I managed this quite well). But tonight with the return of one of my housemates from a week's work away, we felt sharing in the pleasure of a creamy chicken korma,

Today at church, I was blessed by the fact that on Friday at a half night of prayer, some of the leaders had been prompted to show practically God's love for his church, so today this looked like a red rose for each and every woman in the church. What a blessing! Today it sits in a glass jar in the kitchen, a reminder that God first loved us and today, just as the sun every day rises and sets so His love for us is renewed every day. Thank you God

1. Doing a job that more obviously demonstrates service, compassion, willingness to care for others doesn't actually mean that you will feel like doing any or all of these things any or all of the the time. 2. Being in a new city but in your home country is probably not any less lonely at times or less likely to make you homesick than being in a new city on the other side of the world. 3. Change does not equals growth - i obviously knew this one already but actually experiencing it makes the reality of the truth sharper. 4. God still forgives and forgets and loves despite how hard I can make it to receive his love.

I was reminded of Thomas Merton's prayer below when reading Dan Wilt's blog (a Canadian worship leader) and although I don't feel I am able to fully pray this prayer I want to be able to and thank God that that last sentence is always true. “My Lord God I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that my desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope that I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it. Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.”

Just trying to bring myself up-to-date with the last 6 months and in a rather awfully convoluted fashion have brought myself to December which I can say was colder than I am used to in Bristol just by a few degrees. It seemed to fly by really, was nice to share celebrating it with a few friends in sheffield, the Senior family at the lovely and legendary Christmas party, my cell group and friends from work. One first year doctor, organised a christmas do for us. This was a real mission, as people who work with me in Chesterfield live in Derby, Sheffield and Nottingham due to medical rotations varying quite a lot! January was an interesting month. In it I realised that the job I started in November had been quite emotionally/mentally stressful and draining for lots of reasons. Unfortunately I typically don't think I had fully acknowledged it and one Sunday night it all came out on the phone to my dad as I realised it was all too much. God really lifted me out of that. And now I'

So its February 5th 2009 and I am sitting in my room in a lovely house in Sheffield that I am now renting thinking about quite how much has happened since I last blogged over 8 months ago.... I had planned on picking up blogging to share some photos I had from a John Mayer gig I went to on July 24th 2008 - the day I found out I passed my medical finals. And procrastinated blogging in my semi-perfectionistic way so that I could do that, but as I cannot find the cable for my phone to net, that never happened. Then half a year passed and here I am. In reference to said gig, it was definitely memorable. Partly because I fully intended to attend it whatever my MBChB results may have been, but rather than commiseration it was a great night of celebration and was therefore probably one of the best gigs I have been to - the drive two hours each way from Derbyshire to Birmingham also made it feel like quite an adventure simply to get there and back. Just thought I'd round up on what I have