ange's musings

apologies for the recent absolute junk that has filled posts! have been feeling rather unable to express myself on here, even though it was initially so helpful for me to do so. i guess the initial phase of feeling rather open with my thoughts changed, into one in which i have felt really afraid and inhibited, and not in a place where i am happy about putting thoughts, that i haven't quite made sense of, in the big massive web - think there's probably enough people in it and stuck within to fill the void - at the mo and probably for a good few weeks i have little to contribute me thinks! doubt my dribble will be missed - so if i am back before spring has sprung be surprised! I certainly will. enjoy the crazy art.

Developing hope for the future and thanks for the past have an impact on attitudes relating to happiness. But the experience of happiness is in the present; in the now. If our attention is captured by thoughts about the past or future we are less able to experience happiness right here and now in the present moment which is the only moment when we can fully experience deep joy and peace. These deep attributes of happiness are also from within. They are not caused by external circumstances, of having more of this or less of that. Perhaps to be happier we need to be more in touch with what we already have and re-examine our priorities. The world presents one message to us – of happiness being the result of something we can acquire in the future. Think about the opposite of happiness dwelling within you now and working to remove the barriers to it. 1) Meet others as if for the first time. This might sound odd but it will bring you into the present. When we meet people for the first time w...

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So this is the title of Via, Project 3. What does it mean to be a disciple? I think you will agree, gaining an understanding of what that really means, will take all of our earthly lifetimes. When I think disciple, I immediately think in biblical, new testament context and of course of Jesus's disciples. But actually, as a friend pointed out to me, each and every one of us is a disciple meaning a learner, of something. Living out our lives, based on or inspired by something or someone, whether it be a faith in many gods, such as hinduism or no gods or God, i.e atheism, whether it be a celebrity or political view, we all lead our lives in reverence/respect to something. In a book I am currently reading, one of the characters who is asking this very same question, I think manages to answer it herself when she asks: "So they're going to be called together to learn the violin, and then they'll be sent out to play the master's kind of music in the master's way?...

I've started reading one of Brian Mclaren's books which I am really enjoying. Having just finished the chapter entitled 'the story of emergence' where Neo communicates his ideas that God created us as beings (I quote Neo saying "To me, the story is about Being (God, Creator) giving beings the good gift of being") that are totally in need of relationship. Its like in creating the first people, God didn't want to be the only reality in our lives, the only relationship in our network. This is what Neo says in the book... "This is the story we find ourselves in, isn't it? Caught between two dangers: a hyperspiritual danger that says, 'It is good enough for human beings to be alone, so all they need is God', and a hypersecular danger that says, 'It is good enough for human beings to be with the other created beings; forget about the Supreme being from whom all being and blessing flow.' Neither of these options is good enough. The on...

Apparently so. So the phrase 'the good being an enemy of the best' keeps popping up in conversation, books, devotionals and frankly I don't think I quite know what this actually means in practical reality. Its all very well telling that to someone, but how do you recognise when the 'good' thing is not the 'best' thing? Especially when you may never have tasted the best, how do you know that there's more than the good you are experiencing. I suppose in all of us, there would be that sense, that gut-level sensation telling us, there must be something more, but apart from that, I find the phrase rather unhelpful. So any insight, is welcomed right here! Something I am beginning to realise, in a rather painful way, is the fact that our security and identity, well actually my security and identity seems to very much be locked up in all kinds of things other than Jesus. I'm realising that I have probably over the years, sought my identity in achievement (no...

Just got back from what is now known as a "Clothes Swap" which a wonderful friend of mine organised for girls, mainly from my church. Even though I arrived pretty chipper, I gradually (as in the usual style of the last two weeks) felt more down as the evening went on, largely due to the fact that my self-esteem seems to have hit an all time low in the last two weeks and I am indeed struggling rather with social gatherings most if not all the time. Its really hard to reach out, and be real with non-viaettes, and not give into the temptation of therefore being kind of fake and superficial, and just talking small talk, bull dust as a friend recently phrased it! Being real, when frankly you don't know who you really are anymore, is pretty damn hard and most of the time I want there to be this black bubble around me that, tells people that not only am I a "Work in progress" but also that I am quite happy being left, to continue in progress, until I am ready to emerge...

So, tomorrow ends my cafe experience. The beautiful place I work, filled with wonderful folk of literally all ages closes this friday - a sad end of an era for me. Okay, yes I have only been there 2 months, but its funny how rustling up a really good mocha, and topping it with chocolate loveliness can be a procedure that one takes great pride in, after a month of doing it so so much. And I am just realising how I am going to froth milk, more than I think is healthy! Hmmm - future posts may contain pics of me doing this exact thing, just to ensure I don't forget that its real, I did do this. Getting into a new rhythm this December is certainly going to be challenging. I am excited for what God has in store, and of course very apprehensive - and I am remembering how it wasn't always a smooth running working at the cafe and that I actually took a while to feel vaguely at home there, so whatever lies ahead is not going to be necessarily easier. Especially if unemployment, may be on...

Mark Churchill in my life - really I am mate, not just writing this cuz I now know you read it all Liz's return - my lovely co-lodger, friend, sister - can't believe you are here with me till March! :-) big smiles due for that Bristol - the fact that more and more it does feel like home Old friends - being able to visit them and have them visit, that our friendships are being maintained, maybe less than I would want, but still they are being maintained and valued Music - in all forms. Live, compact disc style, produced by my larynx and other people's, whistling music, solo and collective forms, song and the silences inbetween - oh the silences in the music - don't they add something amazing? Laughter Laughter More laughter My co-workers at Cafe Unlimited - only for another 4 working days :( Sleep and rest - that we were made to do both Family - that we reflect each other, that we share an identity Memories - good and bad Autumn - trip to westonbirth arboretum is definit...

Just listened to Paul Weller's Thinking of You on a really great compliation called Acoustic a friend bought me for secret santa, last Christmas. The lyrics, are pretty classic and I was thinking how as much as I may pine for intimacy with anyone and no one in particular (gosh does that make me sound fickle, or fickle right now?!), the one above wants my all and wants me to think of him, learn hime, think about all the things i can't do without him and love him for it. At the mo, I am wanting that deeper intimacy yet not feeling able to touch it beyond the void, a void, a great chasm which is all that seems tangible right now. I want him to fill me up, but He seems distant, and its painful, more painful that I feel able to deal with. I want to learn him, I do and I know he is thinking of me far more that I ever think of him. So why does it feel so hard to learn him? What am I doing wrong? I think I need to ask the one who knows.....

One night, I had a wondrous dream; One set of footprints there was seen. The footprints of my precious Lord, But mine were not along the shore. But then some stranger prints appeared, And I asked the Lord, "What have we here?" "Those prints are large and round and neat, But, Lord, they are too big for feet." "My child," He said in somber tones. "For miles I carried you alone. I challenged you to walk in faith, But you refused and made me wait. You disobeyed, you would not grow, The walk of-faith you would not know. So I got tired and fed up, And there I dropped you on your butt, Because in life, there comes a time, When one must fight, and one must climb, When one must rise and take a stand, Or leave their butt prints in the sand."

Sun 1st - Tues 3rd October 2006 Our trip to Dartmoor. We stayed in a lovely barn, in the middle of no where. Here are the lovely ladies; Becki, Ansy and Casey waiting for Mark to cook us up a storm!

So today, I had a lot of fun window shopping.....and yes I did manage to just look and not buy! I only spent 80 pence on 2 picks to help me master guitar strumming, plucking etc and 39p on milk. I personally believe that my ability today to resist the temptations of fashion was really quite a triumph. Now that is partly due to the nature of my weaknesses, in other words, the fact that my security can often be placed in the way I look, or the way I think I look. Not a great place for it to be located, and especially when I am trying to avoid spending money in Broadmead shopping centre, when it seems like just about everyone around you is! But not only did today highlight to me the reasons why I may or may not spend money on items of clothing, and how they are not always so good and healthy. It also helped me realise the immense power of advertising and how it literally can and does manipulate you into buying those much needed items right? You know those things, items of clothing, gadget...

This week has been timetabled as 'Easy week' and the name says it all. No Via days are scheduled in and its ours for rest, reflection and all that good stuff :-) Being rather short on cash at the moment, I thought I had made the smart decision of accepting some extra shifts this week at the cafe where I work. However, Sunday morning arrived and I realised I had acquired a lovely viral thing from my friend the previous night. Like a fool, I just assumed I wouldn't catch his horrible cold, cuz I am normally quite fortunate and his doctor wifey hadn't managed to get it even though he'd been ill and off work for a whole week! As a result I managed to have my hours reduced on monday (as I was a clumsy mess, and created many minature disasters all morning) and I now have the rest of the week off. It may seem a rather fatalistic view, but I do reckon that my acquisition of this horrible URTI was all down to God trying to tell me to bloomin well rest! And I was reminded of ...

Climate change We know how it happens. We know why it's happened. We know how to slow down the rate at which it is happening. So click on this link, do some reading, make some promises to yourself and an online community. And remember to aim high. http://observer.guardian.co.uk/focus/story/0,,1934452,00.html We owe it to people in our world today, tomorrow and the next. We were given the responsibility of stewardship. Lets live up to that responsibility together.

So this afternoon at Tom and Nic's was "Huddle". This is basically an opportunity for us all to gather in Tom and Nic's lovely but sometimes rather cold lounge with cups of tea (of all varieties, seriously any tea from any nation lives in their kitchen cuboards!) and chat, in a hopefully honest and open way, debiting and crediting from each other's "trust accounts". Its a time where we work out where each other is at with God, themselves and others, pray for each other, give and receive tissues (sometimes boxfuls, then we have to use toilet roll!) and give and receive hugs, lots of hugs, of which I am particularly thankful for! So today unbeknown to me, Jesus had decided in advance to do some of his stuff with me. So much stuff that I am feeling very thankful to now be taking breaths of a relative normal duration when I compare them to the breaths I was managing to fit in around all the crying I was doing earlier! I mean, man alive, did I cry, but it was...

Recently I've been thinking about the difference between my subjective ideas of how eager I am to do stuff, and how eager I actually am objectively. If that made any sense at all, I will add that I am also realising that there is a lot of work I have to do before my inner enthusiasm actually breaks lose, gets over its hang ups and makes a difference, objectively, in reality, in chronos and basically in life! Yesterday, as I walked to house group, the green light of the traffic lights shimmering off the pavement (yes the tarmac really was shimmering) caught my attention. The lights were bright, didn't seem to be changing to red any time soon and they cast a light on the ground ahead that was beckoning me to come towards it and as I needed to get to house group which was north of the traffic lights, I yielded to its beckoning like a moth to a fly. But as I passed by I considered how learner drivers tend to approach traffic lights, even green lights when compared to more experienc...

Today on the eve of my 24th year as I sit here typing away, I am pondering just how exceedingly unpredictable God is in his wonderful ways. Only 6 weeks ago, I thought that at this moment in time I would be in Malawi, East Africa shadowing a lovely Canadian doctor called Chris in a small rural health clinic on the shores of Lake Malawi! I thought I would be learning lots of tropical medicine and making (I admit) a miniscule difference to the health of the people of Malawi, whilst taking in the breathtaking beauty of that nation. What an image is now conjured up in my mind. (I pray and hope this is still part of my plans for next Autumn!) As usual, God, in his wisdom had entirely different plans and in the last month he has demonstrated to me the truth of those verses that describe how His ways are higher than ours. The last few weeks have been transforming, spiritually, mentally and definitely emotionally. I knew that character formation was a key component of this year, but I didn...

Today's lunchtime rush hour was absolutely mad at work. You couldn't see the floor for the buggies and it was literally an obstacle course trying to deliver lattes and mochas and hot food up and down the steps between the levels to the various mothers with their toddlers. There was one table surrounded by mothers and ten babies at one point, most of them looked less than 6 months, I've never seen anything like it. The funniest thing was that even though we were so packed more mums were trying to park their three-wheelers and even bikes with baby seats in the cafe! I have to say it makes for an interesting working environment and we had fun attempting to serve everyone, and certainly made a lot today, which is encouraging for our manager too. I've really enjoyed getting into the cafe/waitressing lifestyle and its quite a nice laid back place to work. One of my coworkers and I had an interesting conversation today, she was explaining how she became first interested in bu...